Wednesday, November 30, 2011


It's strange, lately. Normally, I'm a very upbeat cheerful person. Optimistic to a fault, to the point that it's rather disgusting to other people. But then there's the other side...

Chronic illness does weird things to your head. When things go well, it's easier to be upbeat. In the bad time, though, I find I withdraw, pull all my energy in. I'm not sure why... it's probably a combination of things. I don't want to bring other people down, and I know it does. I don't want to waste energy on fighting this compulsive need to look like I'm fine, especially on the days when I'm so very clearly not fine.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm just so very overwhelmed by this constant state of not well. I'm so sick of being unable to do the things I want to do. I'm sick of trying to put on a happy face, only to collapse into a pile of frustrated tears at 2am because I just can't do it anymore. I'm so angry that all those plans I made years ago, schooling and working to be more was wiped out because my body is defective.

It's been one of those times again- this illness wore my body down, and then the next one stepped in and the next one and now I think I've got a relapse of mono, except that I can't actually make the trip to the doctor because it's expensive and even if I had the money, I don't have the energy/ability to ride for an hour each way and spend an hour or more sitting in their uncomfortable chairs.

I'm realizing that no matter what I had planned, this is my reality. Frankly? It kind of sucks, and I don't know any way to fix it. Everything hinges on being able to DO things, and my body won't cooperate.

Anyway, that's why I'm not around on Facebook or Twitter or anything, and that's why I'm not posting as often here. It's hard to be creative when you can't sit up long enough to paint your nails.

I'll show up again though. Probably 3-4 months from now, when this mono has worn off again and I've gotten almost back to what normal was. Things always get better, and I've been here before. I know it will pass, so I'm reminding myself of it.

Self? Hydrate, eat, and don't wallow. It gets better.
Has anyone seen my immune system?
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