Withdrawing

It's strange, lately. Normally, I'm a very upbeat cheerful person. Optimistic to a fault, to the point that it's rather disgusting to other people. But then there's the other side...

Chronic illness does weird things to your head. When things go well, it's easier to be upbeat. In the bad time, though, I find I withdraw, pull all my energy in. I'm not sure why... it's probably a combination of things. I don't want to bring other people down, and I know it does. I don't want to waste energy on fighting this compulsive need to look like I'm fine, especially on the days when I'm so very clearly not fine.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm just so very overwhelmed by this constant state of not well. I'm so sick of being unable to do the things I want to do. I'm sick of trying to put on a happy face, only to collapse into a pile of frustrated tears at 2am because I just can't do it anymore. I'm so angry that all those plans I made years ago, schooling and working to be more was wiped out because my body is defective.

It's been one of those times again- this illness wore my body down, and then the next one stepped in and the next one and now I think I've got a relapse of mono, except that I can't actually make the trip to the doctor because it's expensive and even if I had the money, I don't have the energy/ability to ride for an hour each way and spend an hour or more sitting in their uncomfortable chairs.

I'm realizing that no matter what I had planned, this is my reality. Frankly? It kind of sucks, and I don't know any way to fix it. Everything hinges on being able to DO things, and my body won't cooperate.

Anyway, that's why I'm not around on Facebook or Twitter or anything, and that's why I'm not posting as often here. It's hard to be creative when you can't sit up long enough to paint your nails.

I'll show up again though. Probably 3-4 months from now, when this mono has worn off again and I've gotten almost back to what normal was. Things always get better, and I've been here before. I know it will pass, so I'm reminding myself of it.

Self? Hydrate, eat, and don't wallow. It gets better.

Has anyone seen my immune system?

See my disclosure statement for more information.

Happy Thanskgiving to my US readers!

One of these days, I won't be so scatterbrained. I won't be forgetful, and I will remember to do things on time or ahead of time like I always intend to do! I won't be sick, either, and I won't be fat.

Until then? I'm the fat, disabled, happy person who still loves updating this blog and loves all her readers!

Even though the past year has been hard, it's also been wonderful. I am so thankful for so many things- my family, my amazing friends, my wonderful husband who is my best friend on this planet. I'm thankful for our home, and for the ability to make art. I'm so thankful that even though I'm disabled, none of the myriad things I have wrong with me will kill me.

Most of all, I'm so thankful for the sense of humor that allows me to laugh at the things that happen. Life is too short, too fragile. It's not worth freaking out over everything, and being able to find the joy in little things makes all the big hard things easier to tolerate.

I'm also thankful for you- yes, you reading this right now. On your phone or on your computer, at home or work or school or wherever you happen to be, you make it worth writing this blog. Thank you for the time you spend reading my silly stories and looking at whatever I happen to post. I hope your thanksgiving day was filled with love and laughter, and if you aren't in the US then I hope your Thursday was wonderful!

While at my dad's house for our celebration, I pulled out my notebook and doodled a little chibi punk rock girl. Consider it today's art. :D

One of these days I'm going to have to cut down on the number of art supplies I carry in my purse, or just break down and get myself a backpack or something. Oooh, or I could get a burro! He could be my pack burro, and I could stock him with pens and sketchbooks and water and snacks! I could even name him something cute, like Armand, or Doctor!

... I think I've been without sleep too long, and have ceased to make sense. I've definitely been watching too much Dr. Who... if there is such a thing.

Til next time. <3

Turkey cake was provided by family for a delicious meal. He didn't survive, poor guy.

See my disclosure statement for more information.

Really? Is THIS what my life has become?

You know, for a long time I've wondered if my life is actually written by a group of incredibly creative, sadistic scriptwriters. They'd have to be unsuccessful scriptwriters, though, because my life is too unbelieveable.

For instance, take the last week or so. First I ended up in the emergency room with a pretty severe asthma attack, the worst I've ever had. That was an event in itself, involving a panic attack, albuterol, a terrifyingly high blood pressure, and lots of ativan. Oh yea, and grape medicine for nausea that actually made me throw up... whee.

Then I spent 5 days on antibiotics, which always makes me feel icky. But it was ok, because I'd rather breathe than feel good. Easy choice, right?

Two days after finishing the antibiotics, I got some sort of stomach bug, and thought I was gonna end up back in the hospital with c. diff. Trust me, you don't want c. diff, and neither did I. After 12-16 hours of intestinal distress I felt weak as a kitten, but so very happy that things were finally improving.

And then... yesterday. I hadn't slept in oh, 20-24 hours and had finally started to feel like I could sleep. I snuggled down into my covers, closed my eyes, and heard what sounded like a bomb dropping into my ear. A gnat had, for some reason unknown to me, flown into my left ear and gotten stuck.

I could feel it moving, could hear fluttering whumping noises as it struggled to get free. Unfortunately, I was on my own til my husband got home to help me so I was stuck for two hours with this bug in my ear. Have I mentioned I've got a tendency to have panic attacks?

Yea. I was panic-stricken, but I managed to talk myself down. "It's just a gnat," I told myself. They don't bite, they don't sting. It won't harm me, it's just annoying.

Thankfully the gnat calmed down too, and stopped struggling. I tried using a q-tip to sort of help scoot the gnat out, but that was a no-go. Once my husband came home, we tried to float the gnat out with water, but all that did is make my ear feel weirder.

So we loaded up into the car and went to the pharmacy, me and my gnat, so I could get some ear wax removal drops. I was pretty sure the gnat was stuck to the wax in my ear, so I had to remove the wax to remove the gnat.


Once we got home, I stretched out on the bed, pulled up youtube to distract me for a while, and filled my ear full of the wax removal drops. I felt what I thought was bubbling as it cleaned the wax, but when I turned to drain the drops out, a big clump got stuck in my ear. Another round of drops produced no bubbling, but also didn't remove the clump.

I had to use the bulb syringe from the kit to flush the gunk out, and sure enough- a blob with a gnat came out on the third rinsing. My husband spotted it just as I realized I could hear again. Such a tiny little thing to create so much panic!

I cleaned the other ear just to keep things even, and when I put the drops in, I realized the worst part- the drops don't bubble. That was the gnat, flailing as the drops killed it. So... freaking... gross.

And of course, now that I had all that stress I'm now fighting with the fibro flare of all flares. The funniest part to me is that today while I was sitting and watching youtube videos to distract myself from the miserable pain, I had a gnat fly up my nose. Can anyone tell me why the hell gnats are so freaking drawn to my bodily orifices? Because seriously, that was NO FUN!

Tips for removing a bug from your ear:
1. Don't panic. It won't help you get the bug out, and it will make things worse for those around you.
2. Don't use q-tips or any other type of blunt object to try and remove the bug. It won't work, and will only push the bug in deeper. It might even damage your ear drum.
3. Do try to float the bug out with water. It might work.
4. Do try ear wax removal drops. Remember, you may have to flush the ear with a bulb syringe to get the bug out completely.
5. If all else fails, go to the emergency room. They've seen this before, and know how to handle it. Trust me, they can remove it.

I am SO tired.

See my disclosure statement for more information.

Music Soothes the Soul

I did something scary last night: I cut my nails because I decided I refuse to turn 40 without being able to play guitar. Well, for certain values of "play guitar." I'll be satisfied if I can play three chords comfortably, switching between them at will. Considering I've got til August, I think it's something I can accomplish.

It's going well! I've made more progress in 2 days than I did in three years, back when I was a teen who wanted very badly to play guitar but didn't know anywhere to learn. Now I've got the internet and I'm unstoppable!

Well, except for that whole changing chords thing. That's REALLY hard!! Seriously, I'm surprised at just how uncoordinated I am. It's almost sad!

Of course, there was something that prompted me to finally act on this. Part of it was watching artists on youtube that play ukulele and make it seem so warm, so endearing an instrument that I just really want to play too. Part of it is watching Amanda F. Palmer do what she does so amazingly well. She's pretty inspirational.

So her latest song is a ukulele anthem, appropriately titled Ukulele Anthem, and for whatever reason I seem to cry every time I hear it. Not that it's a sad song... no, it's more of an upwelling of emotion that just releases itself through tears, a sense that yea, we're all gonna die and there's stuff going on that sucks but it's ok, we can still be happy. I don't know, it just grabs me.

So, if I can learn enough guitar to be satisfied with my progress, I may end up splurging on a ukulele with my Christmas money. It's not like I'd be spending hundreds of dollars... you can get a nice, inexpensive ukulele for not a whole lot of cash. Like this one!!

How adorable is that? And the front has glitter under the gloss! It's like someone decided to make a ukulele just for me, one that I would instantly fall in love with and decide I needed to own! Lime green, glitter... what more could a girl want?

How about PURPLE GLITTER??

I KNOW! It's the same kind, and it comes with a bag and an instructional DVD... I'm in LOVE! It is seriously the cutest thing ever...

And if you're not in the mood for cute? How about a badass flying v ukulele? It's so cute and little and yet gothly! My mind is spinning with ideas...

The one idea I keep coming back to is one of stripping the front of the new ukulele and painting it with a custom design for myself. Maybe something abstract, maybe my name in the corner... something fun and bright and cheerful, definitely!

As if I needed more stuff to keep my head spinning! I'm telling you, it gets weirder by the day here!

Ah well, it could always be worse. I could be wanting to raise llamas, right?

I wish these were provided by the manufacturer for consideration!

See my disclosure statement for more information.

Galaxy Nails

I had my pain management clinic appointment on Tuesday, so of course I had to do something creative for my nails. But try as I might, I couldn't come up with anything. I ended up trying something new- I went for galaxy nails.

For the record? It's REALLY hard to photograph something like this because they're so damn shiny! I'm still not thrilled with the final result, but I'm pretty content with them. Just so you know, I ended up using a total of 22 polishes for this... it was a three hour process and without quick dry topcoat I'd have given up!

I may do a video on how to achieve the sort of look I ended up with. It involves lots of clear polish, lots of polish thinner, and lots of dabbing! I ended up floating a lot of color on and using lots of layers to achieve some optical blending.

Also, my cuticles look awful and this is after moisturizing. I figure the nails are interesting enough to make up for it. If you don't like it, feel free to file a complaint into the round file... I've been too sick lately to care much about my cuticles! :D

I did this manicure in two sittings. After I finished the first session, I realized I didn't have enough value range in my nails. While I had lots of darks, I didn't have any light colors to really pop. So, the next day I added another 4 or 5 layers of color to finish off the look.

You can see a bit of the background in this last photo... it looks nice and nebula-ish, but there's just not enough bright colors to really define the areas I wanted to shine.

To fix this, I grabbed some brights- yellow, hot red and pink, and white- and started dabbing in bits here and there. When I'd get a bit too much on, I'd use my finger to pat it off, and it seemed to work nicely. See the pics farther in for a comparison.

Also, I have a couple of torn cuticles, so you'll see pretty green photoshop patches covering the disgusting parts. I'm telling you, I'm a total mess at the moment!


Anyway, hopefully you can see a bit more of the cloudy galaxy-like bits on my nails. As I said, this was a bit of a nightmare to photo! I'll let the other pics speak for themselves, since it's 2:15am and I'm still awake.

 Polishes used? Lots. A quick list: Qtica Natural Nail Growth Stimulator, Fantasy Makers- Black, Nail Fantasies- Celestial, Sally Hansen- Laser, Kiss Nail Art Nail Paint- Rock Star (Silver Glitter), Kiss Nail Art Nail Paint- Soft Blue, Kiss Nail Art Nail Paint- Soft Pink, Kiss Nail Art Nail Paint- Soft Purple,
Love My Nails- Dazzling, Sinful Colors- Dream On, Glitter Gal- Purple Holo, Matte Base, Three mini Sally Hansen Xtreme Wears- pink, hot pink, green, Heaven- Orangesicle, Heaven- Hot Stuff, Wet n Wild- Gray's Anatomy, Milani Nail Art- White Canvas, Kiss Nail Art Nail Paint: Frost Blue, Art Deco Nail Art Lacquer- Yellow, Wet n Wild- clear, Sally Hansen Quick Dry Top Coat, Seche Vite

 Let me know if you're interested in seeing a video for this technique!

Some products were provided by the manufacturer for consideration.

See my disclosure statement for more information.

China Glaze Eye Candy Collection- Winter 2011

Nothing excites me like glitter. I don't know why... maybe I was glitter-deprived as a child. Whatever the reason, I now find myself drawn to glitter like a magpie, clucking to myself over the pretty sparklies as I fight the urge to hoard them.

Unfortunately for me (or is that fortunately?), the Winter 2011 China Glaze collection Eye Candy has my inner magpie in a tizzy! These six shades of multiple-sized glitters will have you covered for almost any holiday event you could have. Ranging from a deep graphite with holographic glitter to vibrant red, this bunch is for those who love the bling!

The only thing I'm not so sure about is the bar glitter. Yes, once again those hairy little things are infesting glitter polishes everywhere. Hopefully since they're mixed into other forms of glitter it won't be quite so... hairy-looking this time? We'll see...

Check out what the folks at China Glaze have to say about this collection.

Forget diamonds!  This winter China Glaze introduces a nail industry first: utilizing 3-D glitters in its new “Eye Candy” collection.  Inspired by Marilyn Monroe and her timeless allure, this innovative new glitter technology provides a knock-your-eyes-out, super sparkly effect to your manicure.   Multi-sized and differently shaped glitter particles are cleverly combined to create a sexy, super decadent, 3-D finish in six bright, eye-popping shades.  Whether you prefer gleaming gold or glamorous smoky grey, China Glaze’s “Eye Candy” collection adds a dazzling finish to your holiday look with a glimmer that is sure to catch everyone’s eye!  Colors in this collection include:

·        Love Marilyn: Vivacious Red with Shimmering Silver Particles
·        Blonde Bombshell: Glistening Multidimensional Gold Flecks
·        Lorelei’s Tiara: Sterling Silver Infused with Blue Sprinkles
·        Material Girl: Posh pink with Holographic Bubblegum Glitter
·        Some Like It Haute: Graphite Gray with Holographic Glitter
·        Marry A Millionaire: Alluring Amethyst with Multi-tonal Fibers

The China Glaze “Eye Candy” collection will be available in an amazing 3-D 12-piece counter display and as open stock colors.  China Glaze is free of DBP, toluene, and added formaldehyde. China Glaze nail lacquers are available through salons and professional beauty supply stores nationwide. For more information, visit: www.chinaglaze.com or follow China Glaze on Twitter: http://twitter.com/ChinaGlaze

Do you think you'll be picking up this collection? I have to admit, I'm strongly tempted... Leave me a comment and let me know!

Images and information were provided by the manufacturer for consideration.

See my disclosure statement for more information.

My Halloween 2011 Nails

Sometimes I think it's weird to make graphics like this.
Then I think about the rest of my life and think this
is about as normal as I get. :D

A VIDEO!! OMG, I cannot even begin to explain how far I've come in video editing-land, and how far I have yet to go. Still, I'm so happy to have this finished and ready to move on! I'm hoping to keep moving forward with this, because I do like being able to have video with my posts. Let's be honest, I'm a total ham and I love being able to talk to you!

This process, though? So confusing. Who knew it'd be so hard to do a voiceover for video? (Ok, I know... I've done it, so I know, but still!) I ended up having to script half of it, play the soundless video while I recorded my audio into my video camera, then move that video to the computer, download the latest version of Audacity so I could strip the sound from the video, then cut it up into chunks I could then place in the video timeline. Oh, and I had to download FFsomething or other libraries too, and install them.

Sound confusing? Yea, that's because it was! But it's DONE, and now I sort of understand what I'm doing, so I'm going to start editing the next video tomorrow! Maybe it won't take me three years to get finished... :D

So, on to the pretty stuff... the nails! Oddly enough, I wasn't interested in doing anything too flashy or anything, partly because I was running out of time and partly because I was really wanting to try the gorgeous polishes Melissa from the Daily Nail surprised me with. She'd noticed I've been down and not posting as much lately, so once day I checked the mail to find the cutest package all bundled up in orange paper waiting for me!

I'd be lying if I said I kept my cool. I alternated between squealing in joy and wiping tears away because it was such a touching gift. She filled it with all sorts of goodies, and I've kept them all in their box for now, to decide what to do with them. But Halloween was the perfect time to try two of them... Sally Hanson Salon Black Orchid and NYX Pink Avenue.

Black Orchid is a fairly basic polish, a deep charcoal grey shimmer that is lovely on its own. It's not totally black because the shimmer plays with the light a bit, but I like this. I also like that it's a cool-toned charcoal without any warmth to it. It's a typical Sally Hansen Salon polish- good coverage, good wear.

Pink Avenue was the star of this show, though. NYX definitely made a winner with this one, a mix of glitters in a clear base. It's a combination of lime green and orange flake glitters paired with microglitter in the same colors. I think some of the glitter changed colors in the light, depending on the angle, but it was hard to tell.

Regardless, this was a stunning polish, and I couldn't resist adding three coats of it, just to build the sparkle to insane levels. What can I say, subtlety is not one of my strengths!

The end result was almost impossible to photograph! Even the video didn't quite capture the way the light played with the glitter. It was hypnotic, and I was in absolute love! My niece loved it too, and wanted me to do her nails... shame I didn't have it with me, or I would have!

Since it's 5:30am and I haven't been to sleep yet, I'll let the rest of the photos speak for themselves. Click' em for larger pics. They're worth it!

So... thoughts? Too glittery? Not enough? Let me know what you think in the comments.

Polishes were provided by Melissa at The Daily Nail because she's AWESOME!

See my disclosure statement for more information.

Video editing when you're a moron.

Handwritten on the nearest thing within reach- a priority mail box.

You know, I'm a pretty tech-savvy person. I've been able to learn new technology, I've built my own computer years ago before I used laptops. I worked as a radio DJ and actually spliced tape to create perfectly-timed clips. I've made Flash video and motion graphics.

So why the [expletive deleted] is video editing so hard for my brain to grasp? Seriously, this ish is melting my brain and it's making me irate. I don't know why I'm so stubborn but I definitely am. When there's something I want to do but I can't?

Well... it's not pretty. So here I am with several videos worth of material filmed and me getting more and more angry, wanting to just move forward and get it stuck into my brain. But it's not like something you can read a quick tutorial on and understand.

No, the only way (at least for me) to get it is to DO it. This started out with me opening After Effects and getting confused, then closing it. My husband tried to work with me, since he's pretty good with After Effects, but that just resulted in screaming and tears. Then I spent several times opening After Effects, screaming at it and crying because I felt so stupid, and then closing it again.

Are you seeing a pattern here? Because I was, for sure. There were entirely too many tears involved for something as stupid as video editing. And we're talking months of this.

I'm past the tears, and I've got a video almost ready to go, except that I'm determined to put a voiceover on it, because it's boring as hell without it. That's right, I'm a masochist, but I AM LEARNING THIS.

Video to come. Eventually. Maybe, if I don't choke someone first.

My sanity was not provided by any manufacturer for consideration.
I would love to review some, if anyone has any to spare.

See my disclosure statement for more information.

Midrash Manicures

I love my friends! I know, I use that opening fairly often, but it's so true. Today's post comes courtesy of my friend Din who passed a link along that she thought I would appreciate!

A manicure for Yom Kippur.

Let's be honest, lots of us love nail art, but how many of us use it for a positive purpose? Well, Rabbi Yael Buechler of Westchester, N.Y. does just that, using her nail art to teach Midrash, the Jewish tradition of Bible interpretation. I know, I know... nail art as a teaching tool? But hear me out!

Huffington Post had an interview with Rabbi Buechler yesterday which explains a lot.

When asked how her manicure business is an extension of her rabbinic position Rabbi Buechler is effusive: “This is truly hands-on Judaism. The hope is to expose all people, Jewish and non-Jewish, to creative forms of Judaism through this nail art, so that they might be inspired to create other forms.”

A manicure for Sukkot.

Buechler not only does a weekly manicure based on the Parasha, holidays, or other lifecycle events, she also has her students create their own manicures based on the week's lessons prior to showing them her own. She talks with the students about the themes they'll encounter that week and encourages them to spend time reflecting on them. These themes then end up reflected in the students' designs.

I absolutely love this idea! When wearing interesting nail art, I end up getting lots of questions and comments. I can see this as a way to bring awareness and information to people. I'm kicking around ideas for manicures about diabetes awareness and depression, and maybe more!

I also really like the idea of getting the students to think visually. I've found that when I approach a subject from a strange angle it helps cement the ideas into my head. I'm sure this helps the students internalize the lessons they're learning about.

I just wanted to share this with you all, and get your thoughts: what do you think about this? Can you think of any other manicures you could do to either spread awareness or help yourself learn things?

Til next time!

My friends send me the best links!
Images courtesy midrashmanicures.com.

See my disclosure statement for more information.